Before
you begin reading this post, it's important that you realize it's gonna be
a long and ramble-y one. (Is that even a word?)
So.
Hmmm. Where do I even start. It's been such a crazy long time since I
posted anything here on the Path of the Carpenter. Not that I haven't
wanted to, it's just been, well, life. I could blame being
busy or working a lot or whatever (although those things are all
true) but to be honest with you all, that hasn't been the real reason
for my prolonged absence.
The
truth is, I was getting a little depressed in my blogging life. Not
just my blogging life, but my online (social media) life in general.
You see, I'm a raw and real person. Unlike some, I don't try to
"filter" my life to make it appear more rosy... I've always
been pretty brutally honest about myself and my struggles, my dreams,
my fears, my emotions. In person, I'm quiet and introverted, but
online, I feel more comfortable sharing abut myself.
But
as I'm sure you all know, when you put yourself out there on the
internet, or anywhere really, it generally leads to attacks. Big
ones.
So
to be honest, I haven't been on here in a long while because I was
tired. Tired of feeling like everything I posted was being
criticized, picked-apart, over-analyzed, and over-reacted to. Tired
of people praising my blogging one day and then slamming it the next.
Tired of people calling me up saying, "Why did you post this,
that didn't sound right, people are going to be offended by that,
you're this, you're that, you're something else..."
To
be honest, I considered shutting the Path of the Carpenter down. Far
from being a sanctuary, a safe place for me to be myself, I felt like
I had to post everything perfectly and live up to a certain number of
expectations and be politically correct and please everyone... and
ended up pleasing no one, least of all myself.
So,
over the past year really, I haven't posted anything much about my
personal life at all; on my Facebook page or here. I haven't posted
anything political or controversial. I haven't shared my opinions on
much of anything. I just stayed quiet and kept my mouth shut and let
the emotions roll off me "like water on a duck's back."
And
was I happy?
No.
Not
at all.
You
know, when the first of January rolled around, I did some serious
thinking. I've never really been one for making (or breaking) New
Year's resolutions. But a group of people I've come to consider as my
friends (all fellow Compassion sponsors like me) have a... well, a
tradition, I guess you could call it. To pick one word to focus on
for the year. (You can read more about One Word, One Year HERE)
Last
year, my "Word for the Year" was "Joy." I was
feeling a lot of stress when 2015 came in, and I wasn't feeling much
joy... I'd lost my job, lost my grandmother to cancer, and underwent
an extreme personal attack all in one month. Plus my Seasonal
Affective Disorder was in full swing, and depression was rearing its
ugly head again. So I really felt like it was time to go on a
prolonged search for JOY in my life. It wasn't easy, but I did,
eventually, begin to find a measure of joy in my life again.
So,
when 2016 rolled around and my friends began posting their words for
the year, I began to think seriously about mine. And it didn't take
long for me to find it. Or perhaps I should say, my "word"
found ME.
Free.
On
January the first, I decided that it was time to make a decision. Am
I going to live the rest of my life constantly suppressed by others'
opinions and expectations of me, or am I going to be myself? Am I
going to speak up when I don't feel something is right? Am I going to
wear what I want to wear (I've been finding creative expression in
hippie/boho/gypsy style lately) , sing what I want to sing, say what
I want to say, post what I want to post, and generally follow the
leading of the Spirit... or am I going to back into a corner and shut
myself off from who I am, because some people don't like me for it?
I
finally stood up and said, enough. I am who I am... I am who God
created me to be. I am silly. I am strange. I am a fiercely
protective sponsor mom/big sister. I am that crazy redhead who sings
in a band and wears long flowing skirts and dangly jewelry.
I
Am Free. Free to live, to laugh, to love.
The
above song is one that I haven't been able to listen to for years.
There are a lot of painful memories attached to this song for me...
memories that made it impossible to hear it without wanting to
weep... or break something (there's honesty for ya).
This
year, I can listen to it and believe it. Because I choose to put
those memories behind me and say that they do not define who I am...
God does.
I
am free to run. I am free to dance. I am free to live for Him.
I
am free.
